He's in my caregiving support group

Wednesday | July 31, 2024

Love Letters Dating

He’s in my caregiving support group

I’ve been in a virtual support group for dementia caregivers for over a year now. I’ve developed a crush on one of the guys in my group. I started a group chat and he was one of the first to join.

Several months ago, he asked a question on the chat and we ended up having a long back and forth until we finally just started private messaging. That’s when I started to develop a crush on him. He had an idea to try and do extra sessions with the group for us to get tasks done that we don’t want to do alone. We started with just the two of us and had a pretty long phone call first. He asked me a lot of personal questions about my life and I tried to ask him things, but he was really good at bouncing things back to me. We’ve had quite a few video chats since; we talk about the challenges taking care of our parents, our lives in general, and get some tasks done.

But he’s not a consistent communicator and he’s gone a whole month without sending me a text. I’m at an age where I am not thrilled by a push/pull dynamic. I know better. I told him about some challenges I was having awhile back and he sent me a box of my favorite baked goods and I thought my heart was going to burst from sweetness. We live about two hours apart so it’s not like it would be a big issue to meet. But he hasn’t really opened up about himself that much.

I try to ask him questions about his personal life but I don’t push it if he doesn’t answer and changes the subject. He lives in a big city where it would be easy for me to go and visit with other friends and meet him while I’m there. I’d like to do this, but I’m not sure if I want to mention anything about my feelings for him. It’s a sensitive dynamic because we both need this support group, so I don’t want to mess with that for him or for me. Is there a non-threatening way for me to ask him how he feels about me when we meet in person, or is he giving me signals that he’s just not that into me?

– Caregiver Crush

First, I just want to say that I love the idea of sitting with someone on Zoom while they do caregiving tasks. I was in a cancer caregivers support group years ago – pre-Zoom. It was fine, but we all showed up exhausted – because we needed to do tasks! Had we been able to sit with each other online while completing our to-do lists, we would have been so much less isolated. I’m glad this group is finding excellent ways to get through the complicated – and often boring – parts of caring for a loved on in need.

Now, for the crush:

Start by offering to visit him during a trip to see your friends. If he jumps on that opportunity, great. See how it goes and consider next steps.

If he doesn’t accept that offer, that’s a data point. He’ll know you’re open to the two-hour trek and can always invite you on his own. Telling him “I’d love to see you in person” might get you the answers you need.

I do wonder about his bandwidth for any of this right now. Maybe he has thought about you that way, but is too focused on parents to do much else.

Really, he sounds like a sensitive guy. If you see him in his city and have a great time, you can ask about trying a date. Let him know you’ll understand if that’s not something he wants to pursue. Be clear about not wanting to mess with the dynamics of the group.

I think (and hope) that two nice people can have an honest conversation about what they want – and that they can move on from a little awkwardness if they have to.

Initiate that visit. That’ll clarify plenty.

You might go and realize he’s best on Zoom. One step at a time.

– Meredith

Readers? How would you approach a crush in this kind of group? Why isn’t he sharing more personal information? Have you ever been in support groups where relationships aren’t OK?

What’s been on your mind about your dating/relationship life? Ask your own question. It helps others who are wondering the same thing. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

Plan a visit to your friends in the city. Go in order to see them, not with grand romantic expectations. Tell him you’re going to be in town and offer to meet up for coffee. I’m betting that he’s going to demur with an excuse, in which case, that’s your answer. Nothing personal, he just seems like he wants to maintain some privacy, deal with caregiving, probably not jump into an LDR.

You’re lucky to have found a good support group. But look for romantic opportunities more locally.

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