We didn't work on the marriage enough

Friday | August 2, 2024

Love Letters Divorce

We didn’t work on the marriage enough

What’s been on your mind about your dating/relationship life? Seeking letters – and updates from former letter writers. Email [email protected] or use the form.

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around my own story.

I met my partner in 2016 and everything was going great. Two years later, my sister passed unexpectedly and suddenly. My partner asked to marry me the same day of my sister’s passing.

We got married and it seemed right. But after, I fell into bad depression and it affected our marriage. We wound up getting a divorce, but I didn’t want to.

The year after the divorce started, I was diagnosed with cancer. It was a difficult time.

To this day, I still reach out, trying to rekindle with my ex, but he shuts me out with harsh words. I can’t seem to move on because two years after the divorce, I feel we didn’t try resolving issues. I also feel like I didn’t seek help when I should have.

I do talk to a therapist now. I’d appreciate some perspective.

– Too late

I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with so much grief.

I’m not sure that pursuing your ex will make life happier or easier.

Eight years ago, you were having a great time with your partner. Five or six years ago (I assume), things changed. Maybe it wasn’t anybody’s fault, but the two of you didn’t know how to get through it. Or maybe you did, but couldn’t bring yourselves to do the work.

In 2024, your ex is someone who responds to your pleas for connection with “harsh words.” That means he’s not interested in being any kind of partner – or friend.

Talk to your therapist about learning how to love the memory of your ex while being open to something new without him. You’re self-aware and have survived so much. You can accept that what you had with him is over – and then bring this new, evolved version of yourself to people who want to be part of your life.

Do the grieving, of course. Be sad about the marriage ending. But stop ruminating about what might have been had you done things differently back then. You can’t rewrite the narrative. Use your energy to be hopeful and curious about the future.

That’s what’s coming – and it might be wonderful.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you let go of a marriage when you believe it could have been saved? Any thoughts on moving on?

What’s been on your mind about your dating/relationship life? Ask your own question. It helps others who are wondering the same thing. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

Give yourself a little space here. It’s easy to look back and take blame for what you might have done differently…but you lost a sister (and gained a fiance on the same day – that’s a lot to process); then you received a cancer diagnosis. I’m not sure anyone would be able to think and act “normally” under that kind of emotional, mental, and physical stress. Your ex is moving on in ways that work for him, but don’t assume that he blames it all on you – it takes two to make or break a relationship. Let him go, and be open to whatever comes next – in the meantime, definitely talk this out with someone who can help restore your own sense of self. You’ve been through a lot, which means you have a lot to offer.

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