Dating after abuse

Thursday | August 1, 2024

Love Letters Dating

Dating after abuse

Dear Meredith,

Prefacing this letter with a trigger warning for physical abuse.

I was physically abused by a male relative as a child for many years; he also badly hurt some of my other family members. The male relative in question has significant mental health issues, and even now that I’m an adult, there have been incidents over the years where he has threatened me and others. This has left me with trauma that I have worked hard in therapy to unpack and process, especially after I made the decision to cut ties with him permanently.

I’m safe now and living a life where I feel happy and fulfilled, but I have consistently struggled with dating because of my trauma. It’s not that I’m afraid of falling into an abusive relationship; thanks to therapy I feel like I have a good handle on noticing red flags. But I worry that I’m never going to find a partner who is willing and able to take things slowly with me, because I sometimes still struggle when being touched by men, even in a non-sexual way.

One of my past partners found about my history and ended things with me shortly afterwards, which has worsened this particular insecurity. I will always have scars, both literal and invisible, from that time of my life, but I don’t want them to define the narrative of me finding love. This person has already stolen so much from me; I don’t want him to continue to do so now. But how do I navigate this moving forward? When is the appropriate time to tell someone about something this raw and vulnerable? I have a lot to give to the right person, and like many other people I just need time and patience … but I’m struggling to meet men who are willing to wait for me to be ready.

– Seeking Safety

You can tell a person that you like a slow pace. That you’re not a very physical person until you are. That it takes you a bit to get comfortable.

Those are things you can reveal at the end of a good date or two.

You can also tell someone everything, depending on the vibes of the night. It might be something as simple as, “I’ve dealt with trauma. I’m grateful for excellent therapy and better days.”

I should put a big asterisk on all of this advice because I’m not a mental health professional, and I’m sure the experts you work have lots to say about this. But I do believe that many single people are patient and understand.

I also know that apps are a world in which a zillion people opt in and out of situations – and it can be for the best. One person might say, “Ugh, this isn’t for me. Why no kiss goodnight?” Another might think, “I’ve had a great dinner. I can’t wait to see this person again.” Let the wrong people run away.

Also, a practical idea: during earlier Covid times, people had a lot of FaceTime and Zoom dates before meeting in real life. I loved this way of meeting – because a) it filtered out some wrong matches and b) there was something intimate about the experience sometimes. I loved seeing a person next to their wallpaper – or finding out what they wear when they’re sitting on the couch, taking a call after work. I encourage you to ask for a quick FaceTime, or whatever technology works. If someone is game and you like the interaction a lot, it might make things feel a bit safer when you get there in person. You won’t be starting from scratch.

I don’t want to minimize what happened to you, but I do want to point out this line from your letter: “I’m safe now, and living a life where I feel happy and fulfilled.”

If I were on a date with you, I’d want to hear a ton about that. I’d want to feel that warmth. I imagine it’s quite attractive. The good stuff might not feel like a big secret, but it’s just as important as everything else.

– Meredith

Readers? When would you want to be told about someone’s history? Is it worth explaining the slow pace up front? Or just let it all happen naturally and see who keeps showing up?

What’s been on your mind about your dating/relationship life? Ask your own question. It helps others who are wondering the same thing. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Dating Health 🖤

Featured Comment

There are definitely men who would be willing to take it slowly. I wouldn’t divulge everything on the first date but I would add it sooner rather than later. You don’t even have to talk about the abuse but just say you need to take things slowly.

Now, not every man will be willing to do this but any man you would want to be with will. You just have to be patient. Keep seeing your therapist. There are people who have been able to work through abuse to a healthier state.

JSMus

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