How much chemistry should anyone feel on a first date?

Monday | August 5, 2024

Love Letters Dating

How much chemistry should anyone feel on a first date?

I’m a man in my mid-40s who has been struggling with online dating since leaving an unfulfilling long-term relationship about two years ago. More often than not, the negative feedback I get from women after a first date is that she “didn’t feel chemistry” or it “isn’t the connection” she’s looking for.

Obviously the feeling is often mutual, but I’m still not sure what to do about this feedback for the women I am interested in.

What sorts of chemistry or connection are women expecting on a first date, especially for day dates where we aren’t having a drink? Or were these just euphemisms or vague excuses? What are some things I can do differently to spark some chemistry when I am genuinely interested?

Or is everyone still single at this age just as fickle as myself? (Of course I have had dates go well, but I wouldn’t say it’s the norm.)

– Chemistry

“Didn’t feel chemistry.”

I wouldn’t call that feedback. There are no tips for improvement there. All it means is that the person wasn’t excited to go out again and doesn’t want to to waste anyone’s time.

Expectations for a first date are different for everyone. Some people are focused on the financials (who paid, was it fancy, etc.). Others don’t care about that, but require good humor. (Honestly, for me, laughing would have to be part of a successful night.)

For many, it’s about physical attraction – as in, “I would totally like to kiss this person – and more.”

It’s complicated because all of these first-date feelings are usually affected by what’s happening inside of people before they get there. If a person shows up to a date annoyed and exhausted, they’re not going to have fun or get the jokes. If they have major dating fatigue, they might be ready to go home before they say hello.

On your end, if you’re on a date that seems to have promise, let the person know. “This is nice.” “Tell me more about that.” “That’s fascinating.” “I hope we can hang out again.”

Also, try to plan dates that make memories. There are a bunch of museums with free hours and cool stuff to do. No pressure to stay long. If you’re local, the MAAM has activities that are short, but real conversation starters.

Or maybe attempt some food/drink evaluations. Instead of grabbing a cocktail, look up the best espresso martini and decide, together, whether it’s worth the hype.

Also, if you do something fun for yourself, it’ll become a good memory – and story – no matter what.

Really, it sounds like you’re doing all the things. I know it’s frustrating. Try to have a good time when you can.

– Meredith

Readers? Advice for getting past a first date? Thoughts on what you expect from a first date?

What’s been on your mind about your dating/relationship life? Ask your own question. It helps others who are wondering the same thing. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

Dating

Featured Comment

If you’re looking for a “spark” or “chemistry”, take your passions into the real world, connect with the community within it, and meet people through them. It’s a lot pressure to put on yourself and the other person to basically go online shopping for a date and then expect there to be some WOW factor on date 1. If you can’t think of any passions, maybe that’s why there’s no spark – you have to feel a spark in your own life in some regard for people to feel a spark with you. Also, when women say “it’s not the connection I’m looking for” it might be a personality mismatch, it could be that she believes you’re not compatible based on any number of things you discussed, or it could be that she didn’t find you physically attractive.

bonecold Share Thoughts