My friend's girlfriend doesn't trust me

Tuesday | July 30, 2024

Love Letters Dating

My friend’s girlfriend doesn’t trust me

Hi Meredith, long-time podcast listener, first-time advice column writer.

I’m struggling with a new group dynamic – my friend’s new girlfriend has it out for me. Since they started dating last fall, it has upended the previously casual order of my friendship with her boyfriend (let’s call him Sam). It’s also made things awkward for our other close friends, all of whom I consider chosen family.

Sam and I have known each other for more than a decade. Since then, we’ve been on good-to-great terms, platonically sharing beds while traveling, and living together for a year. We now share some of our closest friends, and I’ve rarely felt belonging like this.

Fast-forward to new girlfriend, “Alexa.” Unfortunately, she came into the picture at a unique time in my friendship with Sam; we had recently hooked up in a very not sober, never-again way. I completely understand why this would be a flag in a new relationship, but she began clocking my every awkward move/comment as a sign of disrespect, which she admitted to me when we decided to sit down alone after Sam repeatedly tried and failed to convince her that I was not a threat.

I am having a hard time being in a room with someone who assumed the worst about me for so long. I also feel disappointed in Sam, supportive as he’s been, as I don’t understand how he could be with someone so drawn to drama, self-absorbed, and unkind. I want Sam to be happy, but I can’t help hoping it doesn’t work out with Alexa and wishing our other friends were as appalled as I am by Alexa’s behavior.

Do you have any advice on staying friends with Sam and authentically showing up in group settings with Alexa? She apologized for the hypersensitivity before, and for the record, I totally get aspects of my previous relationship with Sam (e.g. platonic sleepovers) aren’t OK now. At the end of the day, I respect she’s traditional and want to accept her apology, but I feel judged and unsafe around her. Thanks for listening.

– Friend

I’m glad Alexa apologized. I hope it felt genuine to you and that there was kindness in her tone.

We all have moments of jealousy and fear – especially when we fall in love. But that doesn’t mean she gets to ostracize you from a friend group that is, as you put it, your chosen family.

I do think the two of you can find a new normal – because that’s what’s best for her, too. Over time, this might feel less dramatic. Also, maybe now that she’s gotten the bad vibes out of her system (fingers crossed), she’ll see the reality of the how your friends fit together. It sounds like her lens has been pretty foggy.

Some of your feelings are about how Alexa’s actions have made you feel. But I assume you’re also adjusting to change. You said it best: no more sleepovers. No more doing whatever you want without considering how your closeness might affect others. Maybe the group dynamics are changing, in real time, with age, status, etc.

I used to have sleepovers with my friends a lot – after parties, on trips. Then we turned a certain age and realized we liked our space, needed alone time, and would rather end a night early to find clean bedding. So boring.

But that’s life. You can stay super close with family/friends, but your boundaries might be different.

You ask how to accept her apology – and how to show up authentically. The truth? Sometimes we don’t show up as our authentic selves. Instead, we keep the peace as we figure out how to process feelings.

A few things can be true at once. You can accept that she wants things to change and is figuring out how to be better. You can also remain furious that she’s made this so difficult, and exhale all of that after you get home.

Please remember that you can see friends without Sam. Sometimes it’s nice to do things in groups of two and three. It doesn’t have to be everyone and their significant others. You can get the family you need in smaller doses, without any stress at all.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you get over this kind of tension in a friend group? Is Alexa wrong for making this a whole thing (for many months, it seems)? What about Sam?

Ask your own question. I’m reading – and it helps others who are wondering the same thing. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

It’s going to take time for anything that feels “normal” to both of you to develop. Be honest with yourself: do you want Sam? I think maybe you do and you’re in denial. If he’s really just a pal in both of your minds, things with work out naturally.

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